


I Got 99 Problems, But The Truth Ain't One

by ErinPtah



Series: Fake News Drabbles and Ficlets [11]
Category: Fake News FPF
Genre: 1 Sentence Fiction, 2012 United States Presidential Election, Academy Awards, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Community: fakenews_fanfic, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Indecision 2012: Democalypse Now, Injury Recovery, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-09
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2018-10-27 05:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10802397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah
Summary: A compilation of single-sentence fics, written for prompts in fakenews_fanfic over several months. Some drama, some crack...mostly fluff. Including lots of characters, various AUs, and two mini-continuities (one about "Stephen" recovering from an accident, one about his wife kicking him out).





	I Got 99 Problems, But The Truth Ain't One

(1) **kshandra** : Hot chocolate

Whipped cream and half a cup of marshmallows are within the bounds of tradition; but when Olivia adds three sugar cubes, a hefty drizzle of caramel sauce, two unwrapped pieces of gelt, a Peep in the shape of a Christmas tree, and a couple of Swedish fish, Kristen starts to wonder if maybe she takes her hot chocolate a little too seriously.

 

(2) **politicette** : Daywasted

When he doesn't get the requisite hysterical/threatening phone call the morning after the latest depressingly predictable award show, Jon pulls up Stephen's number, if only to check that the man hasn't jumped off a bridge somewhere; it's Olivia who answers, assuring him not to worry, she's got this covered (while in the background he can hear clinking glasses, lightsaber noises, and the occasional sniffle, but no sobs or explosions, so he figures she must be doing something right).

(3) _and follow-up:_

The morning after they accidentally use his fake fireplace to Floo to Diagon Alley, get fitted for wands, thwart an oliphaunt-ivory smuggling operation, discover a near-fatal flaw in the patent-pending Weasleys' Test-Trumping Treacles, and end up on a short list for Orders of Merlin, Third Class, Stephen opens bleary eyes, looks from Olivia to the row of half-empty bottles now warm on the counter, and asks if she remembers what they did last night.

 

(4) **kribban** : Memorial service

Stephen insists on filming the ceremony and putting it on YouTube in honor of the deceased, which leads to a tense half-hour in front of the Feds while Stephen harangues them about how Anthrax is a noble and historic family name passed down through generations, and Jon patiently explains that the only thing buried last night was a goldfish, honest.

 

(5) **politicette** : Nair

"It's your own fault, Jon: you may not appreciate the value of manscaping like I do, but if you're going to start staying at my place overnight, you need to learn not to assume that every bottle in the shower caddy is basically some kind of shampoo."

 

(6) **kribban** : Renaissance!

"Now, Leonardo da Vinks-he's-better-than-everyone may have set out to calculate the perfect male figure," said Stephen (striding out from behind his desk and undoing his tie), "but he made the fatal mistake of using _math_ —" (his jacket slung over his shoulders) "—whereas I will not settle for any idea of 'perfection' circumscribed by _facts_ ," (off came the buttons, one by one,) "but instead, quite literally, allow my _gut_ to—" (TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES — PLEASE STAND BY)

 

(7) **politicette** : Atari

When it comes time to start designing the sequel to _Stephen Colbert's TekQuest: MythStorm ShadowLord DarkSun Chronicle IN SPACE: An Interactive Tek Jansen Adventure!_ , Stephen is ordering the nerd squad to program in some cheat codes so Olivia won't keep beating him.

 

(8) **kshandra** : Laryngitis

Stephen's gagged for the rest of the weekend because he kept trying to shout and making his throat worse; his hands are tied up for the rest of the weekend because he tried to compensate by typing enough angry rants to give himself carpal tunnel overnight; and he's wearing the maid outfit with no underwear for the rest of the weekend because...look, does everything need to have a reason?

 

(9) **politicette** : Football

John declares his side to be Team Glasses; Wyatt counters by establishing Team Beard (and declaring Jon an honorary member); and they never actually get around to the game, what with spending most of the afternoon arguing which side gets to claim Al.

 

(10) **kshandra** : Longing

Stephen has called Jon to shout at him in the middle of the night and dragged him over to the studio in the middle of tapings, clung to him in public even in the moments before pushing him away, made out with him in a closet at no less than four Christmas parties and holed up in his office for something steamier (the details are lost in a haze of eggnog) at the one in 2010, just recently non-coordinated a millionaire-class SuperPAC with him, and sometimes stays up half the night wishing — so fiercely it makes his stomach hurt — that they could sit down together in some quiet moment and just _talk_.

 

(11) **kribban** : Refrigerator

When Elliot returns to the studio with the latest refrigeration-requiring prop (an ice sculpture in the shape of Rick Santorum's head), he shoves it in the freezer between the half-empty box of pancake-wrapped sausages on sticks and the most recent "generous offering" of Americone Dream, takes a quick look at the contents of the fridge, and draws a few lines in bright red marker under the last word on the biggest note pinned to the door: "Leftover baconnaise up for grabs — anyone can have some — PLEASE!"

 

(12) **politicette** : Gay bar

Stephen's finally tipsy enough to be out on the floor showing off his moves, although still tense enough that he jumps about a foot in the air whenever a hot young thing tries to grind on him; Olivia watches smugly from the bar, crunching on a baby carrot and wondering how much effort she'd have to put into a Gaga impression to get some of these guys to freshen her drink.

 

(13) **seldomnite** : Abhor

All other scientific evidence has made it pretty clear that nature abhors a vacuum, so the only explanation Neil's been able to come up with for why Stephen's head hasn't imploded is that even the laws of physics can't say no to his adorable face.

 

(14) **kribban** : Breakfast table

Jon's kids are getting too old to be impressed by this, and let's face it, it's not exactly the height of culinary artistry, but he can't squash that flash of pride at the way Stephen lights up when Jon flips a perfect C-shaped pancake onto his plate.

 

(15) **politicette** : Cliterference

Kristen gets that not everyone in the world is always excited to examine the feminist concerns affecting the national produce distribution system...but she totally would have pulled it together and thought of something cooler, if she'd only gotten to talk for a few more minutes before Stephen showed up with a new iPad-based dungeon crawl RPG and dragged Olivia off to test the multiplayer mode.

 

(16) **politicette** : Booth babes

Their booth sells an average 73% more copies of The Tremendous Adventures of What A Nice Young Man But Ooh I Don't Know About That Spandex when Olivia is the one waving at the passersby...but Stephen is so proud of how he fits into the Huttslayer Leia bikini that Jon makes sure their shifts are split 50/50.

 

(17) **politicette** : Liberal!"Stephen" drags Olivia to yoga

Stephen's legs are practically behind his head, and Olivia can think of half a dozen snarky comments about that; but voicing any of them will no doubt result in her being treated to a way-too-earnest explanation of all the things yoga has done for the length and quality of his orgasms, so she bites them back and concentrates on mimicking the beginner-level pose without spraining her chakras.

 

(18) **politicette** : Slanderous fanfictions

To show his solidarity with Olivia, who has been getting ugly insults on the Interwebs again, Stephen shows her some of the awful, disgusting, libelous scenarios that people have posted online starring him; instead of appreciating the horror of it all, she reads for a few minutes, getting increasingly giggly, then says, "You wrote all of these yourself, didn't you."

 

(19) **rehime** : Repetition

Stephen has reached the end of his list of Reasons Why Mitt Romney Is Totally Awesome And We Should All Vote For Him, and only filled up ten minutes of show time; but if he drops the ball now they might be doomed to another four years of gay rights and eating vegetables, so he takes a deep breath and starts over with Reason #1: Just Look At That Hair.

 

(20) **themistoklis** : Power

At the last second before the news van crashes, John Oliver decides to hell with secrecy and Apparates them all to safety; there's stunned silence on the roadside, finally broken by Olivia's triumphant shout: "I _knew_ it!"

 

(21) **rehime** : Marathon

Stephen finishes the Race for the Cure dead last in his age group, not least because he kept stopping along the road to sign autographs; he whines so much at the unfairness of it all that the next day Jon co-opts all the interns to scour New York for a suitable pseudo-trophy to be anonymously delivered to the _Report_ studio.

 

(22) **rehime** : Shoot the messenger

The rompers Sam has picked out for their youngest are the most hideous article of clothing since the eighties finally got the message and slunk away in shame, but there's no way Jason is going to be the one to tell her.

 

(23) **rehime** : Old haunts

Jon likes the houses, he really does, but he feels like a stranger in them; eventually he has a busted old car hauled in from somewhere and puts it in the yard up on cinderblocks, and finally starts to feel like he's home.

 

(24) **themistoklis** : Younger years

Every once in a while Stephen finds something leftover from the building's previous occupants -- graffiti from Steve under the sinks, a half-empty coffee tin Sharpied with PROPERTY OF RACHAEL DO NOT STEAL in a dusty corner of the cupboards, a pocket calculator in the basement covered with scratches from the way Ed used to throw it at walls in frustration -- and is suddenly reminded that he should look up some of his old friends, because how long has it been since he gave them a call and talked, really talked, about how amazingly well his career and life are going?

 

(25) **rehime** : Weather

Olivia coats herself in sunscreen, hides under the surface of her pool with the plastic Yoda by her side, and makes a sincere effort to Force-summon some rain clouds.

 

(26) **themistoklis** : Lyrics

Early one morning, long before Stephen will have arrived at work (or, likely as not, woken up), Tad stands in front of a crowd of fellow employees/suckers and sings the entries in the All-Employee Writing Very Serious Lyrics For "Baby Mumbles" Contest (Bobby accompanies on guitar) (Meg's entry wins, but Jay's, which consisted entirely of repeating Stephen's name, comes close).

 

(27) **rehime** : Public displays of affection

Jon is pretty stiff and awkward about cuddling with Stephen when there are other people around, which Stephen would otherwise be okay with, except that Jon is _totally fine_ getting all smoochy with Professor Butterscotch in public, and c'mon, what does a kitten have that Stephen doesn't?

 

(28) **rehime** : Disappointment

A heartfelt (and fairly silver-tongued, if he did say so himself) talk from Jon convinced Stephen to set up a regular donation to the Brady Foundation, in lieu of his original plan for self-soothing, which involved cranking up the A/C in the entire house until it reached a comfortable temperature for him to wrap himself in a quilt and drink hot chocolate with peppermint sticks until he felt better.

 

(29) **themistoklis** : Wandering (liberal!Stephen)

During the field piece Stephen wanders way off the path, terrifying his handlers...then comes back with poison ivy, distressing his makeup people...but he heard a bunch of bird calls and saw some pretty cool moss, so it was totally worth it.

 

(30) **rehime** : Redecoration

Using a modest piece of the new furniture budget (do his interns _really_ need desk chairs? Come on), Stephen commissions another eighteen portraits of himself to go in and around his office, hoping visitors will be too dazzled to notice that he also has a framed photo of himself, Sam, Rob, and Ed on the _Indecision 2004_ set (it would be _so_ embarrassing if people noticed how much older he's gotten).

 

(31) **themistoklis** : Rushing at the last minute

Olivia should have been on-set ten minutes ago, but there's a package due to arrive any moment now, and if she doesn't personally sign for her SkyMall deliveries, who knows what might happen to her Queen Amidala bathrobe?

 

(32) **rehime** : Hiatus

"It's just a break, it's okay, of course you're not cancelled," soothes Jon; Stephen drops the notepad with its shaky, half-finished sentence, and breathes easily in spite of the oxygen tube for the first time.

 

(33) **rehime** : Olympics

It's not that Jon has a problem with playing "dressage" in the bedroom, but Stephen's insistence on wearing the horse face and hooves throughout is a little disturbing, and he's running out of gold-colored junk around his house to keep making the "medals" Stephen always demands at the end.

 

(34) **themistoklis** : Thinking backwards

Stephen is the kind of big thinker who comes up with Results (for instance, "this segment will make Jon, Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, Eleanor Holmes Norton, and the entire Oscar voting committee all crawl groveling to my door to beg forgiveness"), and leaves it to his staff to work out the details of how to do it.

 

(35) **rehime** : Shopping lists

When you have employees to do your shopping for you, a mortified Jon explains to Stephen, you want to make "personal items" as unobtrusive as possible; you certainly don't annotate them with double-underlined phrases like "Ribbed for MY pleasure."

 

(36) **themistoklis** : Cruises

Stephen spots a humpback whale over the port bow, and yells for Jon; his enthusiasm is adorable until he adds, "Quick, grab a spear so we can kill it for the oil!"

 

(37) **rehime** : Running on empty

Olivia is aware that she's been kind of burning the candle at both ends recently, but she doesn't take a serious look at changing things until her inflatable Yoda statue informs her that "more sleep, you need."

 

(38) **rehime** : Résumé

Everyone stretches the truth on their CV to some extent, Stephen rationalizes (as he adds "Olympic dressage medalist (gold)" under "Accomplishments"): Olivia's lists her work on the Daily Show as "ongoing", and Jon's has a whole section subheaded "Acting."

 

(39) **themistoklis** : Spirit (High school AU)

Olivia comes to games to show school spirit, and to make sure everybody knows that she fits in; Kristen can't remember the name of the team half the time, but comes along with her to make offbeat comments ("How different do you think this game would be if it were all played by caterpillars?") and ensure that anyone who looks in their direction sees Olivia enjoying herself.

 

(40) **rehime** : Back to school

It's only after two and a half years of living in New York that Jessica realizes maybe it's not going to happen, and maybe she's okay with that.

 

(41) **themistoklis** : The long haul (follows "Hiatus")

Stephen really, truly loathes physical therapy; he detests that his body won't just shake it off and move like it's supposed to; more than once he's been moved to tears knowing that the bills would have exceeded his lifetime cap in a decade or so if not for Obamacare...also, he feels duty-bound to rant and rave twice as much as he normally would, because Jon has made it to every session like clockwork without a word of complaint, and _someone_ needs to do the shouting on his behalf.

 

(42) **rehime** : The '90s

Jon despairs of his ability to ever sleep again without that chirpy, mechanical laugh haunting his dreams: Stephen refuses to turn off his new toy until he's taught it to say "This is The Colbert Report!" in Furbish.

 

(43) **rehime** : Running mate

"Of course it's okay to do this, Jon," says Stephen backstage after the announcement (his hand, which in ten minutes or so will be pressing flesh at the high-income donors' tables, currently pressing flesh down the front of Jon's pants); "that's why we're called running _mates_."

 

(44) **themistoklis** : Returns (follows "The long haul")

Stephen's hair has grown back, the nerves in his face have been reconstructed (though his eyebrows are never going to be the same), and he's walking with nothing but a cane to lean on: sure, his right arm doesn't lift above his head any more, but if John McCain could run for President without being able to give high-fives, there's no reason for Stephen to let it stop him going back on the air.

 

(45) **rehime** : Take your medicine (follows "Returns")

He's used to the steroid injections now, and rebuffs with wounded dignity any mention of the first time he realized what they were (Jon had to make him apologize to the nurse after he furiously accused her of sabotaging his chances of ever winning the Tour de France).

 

(46) **themistoklis** : Best laid plans

Jimmy has flown all around the world, recorded and broadcast from the punishing deserts of Iraq and the unreasonable ice floes of Canada, captured every moment of Stephen's brilliant insanity live-to-tape, and still hasn't managed to land that Best Directing trophy...but once they've used some SuperPAC cash to bribe the right people at NASA, called in a few travel favors from Richard Branson, and gotten a consult from Neil Degrasse Tyson on camera operations in zero G, he's _got_ to be a shoo-in _this_ year.

 

(47) **rehime** : Inappropriate place to flirt

Everyone in both offices is so used to Stephen's "flirting? How dare you! That was an entirely heterosexual-friendship-appropriate show of innocent affection, and I am hurt and offended by your attempt to sully it!" routine that it takes Jon a couple of hours after the holiday party to figure out why his wife is giving him the cold shoulder.

 

(48) **rehime** : How our favorite pairings met

It happens a million different ways across billions of possible universes — in businesses and coffee shops, offices and parks, coal mines and space station lobbies — as men and women and both and neither, as humans or as other beings that are more than or less than or simply different — young and old and in between, more and less successful, more and less magical, more and less sane — but somehow, whether they're two young comedians out walking dogs or two dolphin arithmancers feuding over rival accounts, it always seems to begin the same way: Stephen yells over something trivial, leaving Jon blindsided, bewildered, more confused than hurt, and not (yet) looking forward to ever talking to this idiot again.

 

(49) **themistoklis** : Genderswap

Stephanie's place on the Maxim Hot 100 list is soured slightly by the fact that Oliver Munn, despite being clearly not a lady, ranked higher than she did.

 

(50) **rehime** : Legends that have come and gone

The newbie correspondents respond to Rob Corddry's all-shouting basic-training course with a mixture of awe, fear, and awe; when Sam casually mentions that she's forgotten more about working with that guy than they'll ever hope to know, they spend the entire plane ride to Tampa plying her for advice (and stories) (and lessons in singing in four-part harmony).

 

(51) **themistoklis** : Conventions

Wyatt doesn't dare admit it to anyone, especially not Larry or Jessica, but he really, unironically likes getting to hang out at that model train convention.

 

(52) **rehime** : Your last purchase

Stephen always has to be very careful when buying knives: sure, he's only planning to use them in the kitchen, but it's so easy to make Sweetness jealous.

 

(53) **themistoklis** : Memes

YO JON I HERD U LIEK HOUSES SO I PUT A HOUSE NEXT TO UR HOUSE SO U CAN LIVE IN A HOUSE WHILE U RENOVATE UR HOUSE.

 

(54) **rehime** : Hotel shenanigans

Jon foregoes the room provided for by Comedy Central's budget and buys his own, mostly because he secretly loves the looks on RNC attendees' faces when they realize who they're sharing a hotel with.

 

(55) **rehime** : Winding down

Stephen is briefly determined to do all future shows from the deck of a battleship bursting with fans; Tad (who likes having a job) manages to ease him out of it by playing Battleship with him for six hours straight, until he's thoroughly sick of the whole thing and never wants to hear about boats (or numbers, or the letters A through L) ever again.

 

(56) **themistoklis** : Worth (liberal "Stephen")

Now that he's a millionaire, Stephen no longer goes dumpster diving for groceries; but the pleasure of sticking it to Big Food (not to mention the shocked expressions on people's faces when he explains it) is too valuable to give up, so he pays people to do it for him.

 

(57) **rehime** : The third act

It frustrates Stephen sometimes that the show has to have guests at all, that there can't just be four acts of him being the only thing anyone needs to care about.

 

(58) **themistoklis** : Mistaken identity

Jessica nearly breaks a heel trying to catch up to the woman at the RNC, and there are a couple of suspicious-looking security guys jogging after her, but even if she gets thrown out of the premises it'll be worth it for...for..."Oh, sorry, I thought you were Tina Fey."

 

(59) **rehime** : Operation (follows "Take your medicine")

After making all the decisions while Stephen was unconscious, and making more when he was conscious but in a mood too bleak to care what happened to him, Lorraine lets out a silent internal cheer when Stephen starts going through the medical records with her, even if he _is_ only trying to figure out how he can work a nose job into his next operation and get their health insurance to cover it.

 

(60) **rehime** : Autumn

If Stephen can summer in Florida, and winter in a luxury cabin upstate, then there's no reason, he tells himself as he scrolls through his contacts to Jon's name with shaking fingers, that he can't fall in New York City.

 

(61) **themistoklis** : Shame

Jon doesn't like to think about how part of the reason he doesn't try harder to talk Stephen into accepting himself is that, if Stephen were no longer afraid of being outed, he would have no shortage of less-discreet but more-suitable interested men to choose from.

 

(62) **rehime** : Remembering

Kristen, invited as part of the _30 Rock_ cast, trips in too-loose flats on a swath of red carpet and stumbles straight into the gaggle of _Newsroom_ actors; Olivia catches her arm to steady her, and ten minutes later they're clinking champagne glasses and reminiscing about what it was like when they worked on the _same_ fake TV show.

 

(63) **themistoklis** : Crossovers ( _The Office_ )

Six years into his long-term undercover assignment at a paper company in Pennsylvania, Colbert shows up and nearly blows the whole gig -- he bluffs something about them being in an acapella group together, and now all his co-workers are trying to get them to sing something (sure, they harmonized on the Star-Spangled Banner back in '04, but Andy, uh, that is, Ed barely even remembers his part...).

 

(64) **rehime** : Oh, I oughta...

"...but on second thought, maybe I shouldn't have," muses John, pressing an ice pack to his face while his field producer for the RNC segments makes a vain attempt to put her camera back together.

 

(65) **rehime** : Shows you would hate to be caught watching

One of the nice things about having a six-year-old daughter is that Jon doesn't have to explain why he can name and describe each of the Mane Six from memory.

 

(66) **themistoklis** : Appointments

"Stephen, it's just a routine MRI, probably won't turn up anything serious, and it isn't even gonna hurt...okay, seriously, babe, you need to let go of my arm before you cut off the circulation."

 

(67) **rehime** : Out of place

Logically, the minute the second pregnancy test came up blue Sam knows they were heading for something bigger than a two-bedroom hole-in-the-wall sooner or later, but she still can't get used to looking out her window and seeing all that _grass_.

 

(68) **themistoklis** : Sore throats

When the cold goes around the offices and Jon starts bringing in honey-lemon tea by the vat to pass around, Tracey says he's being a hypochondriac; Stephen insists he's just getting in touch with his inner Jewish mother.

 

(69) **rehime** : Ouch!

Jon didn't step on the Lego so much as graze it with the side of his foot, but Stephen insisted on "kissing it to make it better," which has somehow turned into "kneeling on the kitchen floor sucking on Jon's toes," and, okay, they're definitely going to have to do this again at some point when the kids aren't due to walk through the door in five minutes.

 

(70) **rehime** : Emmys

Stephen is scandalized when he finds out Jon's been letting his kids dress the statues up in Barbie clothes, and spends the next hour lecturing them on how to properly color-coordinate for gold skin.

 

(71) **themistoklis** : Awards

"If nothing else," said Stephen grouchily, putting his shiny new signed-to-himself copy of _America Again_ on the shelf next to _I Am America_ and a slim edition of _America: The Book_ (special edition, judiciously edited, in the sense that all the pages not written by Stephen had been ripped out), "I deserve a prize for Most Consistent Use of Titles."

 

(72) **rehime** : Frustrations

Jessica doesn't mind not being cleared for field pieces yet, but it does get annoying when the older correspondents hover around her any time the topic comes up, cooing about how she's so precious, her soul is so _clean_ , and they couldn't forgive themselves if they sent her off into danger of tarnishing it.

 

(73) **themistoklis** : Animals

"Stephen, just because the building is full of actual dogs, and just because I shout endearments to them across the halls with absolutely no self-consciousness, does not mean I'm going to be okay with puppyplay in the office...no, not even if we lock the door first."

 

(74) **rehime** : Singles

After watching John Oliver's insane luck in meeting his future wife while hiding from convention security, Aasif spends most of the 2012 DNC "accidentally" tripping over people, only stopping after he gets a creepy leer from James Carville.

 

(75) **rehime** : Out-of-date tech

Stephen is confused and insulted that Captain Picard would work for _The Daily Show_ but not the _Report_ ; the transporter at Jon's studio is notoriously buggy, and he doesn't even _have_ a holodeck.

 

(76) **themistoklis** : Chaos

The week before an election is never anything less, but they all make a conscious effort to slow down after the incident where a harried Jessica trips over a dog, crashes into a script supervisor, makes a futile grab at the counter for support, and goes down in a blizzard of blue note paper, coffee, fur, and Swedish fish.

 

(77) **rehime** : Dirty laundry

It's a month after Stephen moves out that it dawns on him that his new place doesn't have a self-loading washing machine, and maybe his old one didn't, either.

 

(78) **themistoklis** : Ruffle (liberal!"Stephen")

Jon admires the attention to detail, the fine stitching and the hand-sewn ruffles, and, yes, the fact that Stephen is disregarding gender boundaries to participate in the revival of a traditional feminine art; only later does it occur to him that the thing is in his size.

 

(79) **rehime** : Scary movies

For some reason Aasif is the most high-strung correspondent in the room, yelling in surprise at every other abrupt scene change; Jason hides behind Sam's chair, just enough of his head poking up that she can pat it when necessary; Jessica keeps looking up spoilers on IMDb; and Wyatt spent the first half of the film giggling at random and not-visibly-funny moments, before falling asleep in John's lap.

 

(80) **themistoklis** : Music

It takes a significant amount of Jon's composure, willpower, and sheer BSing ability to keep from turning into a giggly, blushing mess right there in the green room, let alone throughout the Springsteen interview.

 

(81) **themistoklis** : Practice

Stephen keeps himself on his toes by regularly shouting at himself in the mirror, although sometimes he goes overboard with himself and ends up making himself cry, at which point (depending on his mood) he either yells at himself to buck up or makes himself a double fudge sundae to apologize.

 

(82) **rehime** : Workspaces

After the Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium, there are a few weeks when the _Daily Show_ studio is crowded with workers and sawdust, echoing with shouts and hammers: Jon has decided to have rising platforms installed under _all_ his seats.

 

(83) **themistoklis** : Unpacking (follows "Dirty laundry")

Stephen finds a pile of boxes that are roughly the same height, pushes them all together, and drapes a blanket over them — not the most comfortable bed, sure, but it would be a waste of time to take all the stuff out of them, when obviously he's going to be hauling them back home any day now.

 

(84) **rehime** : Clean out (twentysomethings AU)

"Sorry," said the bartender, "we're all out of vodka; can I get you something else?" (and Stephen had to bite his tongue to keep from saying something stupid like _sex_ or _your number_ or _nothing, just take my money and stand there while I stare into your gorgeous blue eyes_ ).

 

(85) **themistoklis** : The doorbell rings (follows "Unpacking")

...and it's Stephen, uncombed, asking if he can crash for the night, promising he'll buy Jon pizza and beer by way of repayment; when Jon protests that they're not in college any more, Stephen says fine, Stewart, have it your way, I will buy you a yacht and a bottle of Merlot if you will let me sleep on your stupid couch.

 

(86) **rehime** : Desktop

Wyatt sometimes sneaks into his co-workers' offices looking for paper clips, spare Doritos, whatever, and would get away with it on a regular basis if he didn't have this compulsion to change the wallpapers on everyone's laptops while he was in there.

 

(87) **themistoklis** : Early morning sunshine (follows "The doorbell rings")

Jon wakes up early, as usual; but this time when he opens the curtains a solid figure on the other side of the bed groans and tries to hide from the sun, and Jon remembers last night, smiles, and pulls them closed again.

 

(88) **rehime** : Cameos

There's a period of months when, no matter what irrational heights of rage Stephen has reached this time, any of his employees can calm him down just by saying, _"The Hobbit."_

 

(89) **themistoklis** : Costumes/Halloween

Stephen wants to go as a pole, which means everyone at the _Report_ (especially Tad, let's be real here) gets spammed with emails begging them to spend the night dressed as his dancer.

 

(90) **rehime** : Stomachaches

As he does every year, Jon warns his kids not to eat all their candy at once; it isn't until the next morning that he realizes Stephen hasn't outgrown that warning either.

 

(91) **rehime** : Bad guys (dystopian AU)

As Olivia patiently explains to the latest terrified, adorable curly-haired brunette who's been dragged into her chambers, just because you're the warlike empress of a vast seafaring piracy-driven collective, it doesn't mean you can't be perfectly friendly in bed.

 

(92) **themistoklis** : Jitters (follows "Operation")

"I understand, Jon, the Nation wants me back in any shape or form and I get that, it's only natural, but I don't, I can't, I couldn't take it if I went out there and they all pitied me...I don't mean like you pity a sad puppy, that's just an alternate form of adoration, I mean the kind of pity where you only keep looking because you don't want to let on how desperate you are to look away...so Jon, tell me the truth: if I walk out on stage tonight, will I regret it?"

 

(93) **rehime** : The election

On the morning of November 6, Sam has to be physically restrained from getting in the _Daily Show_ campaign van and driving into the houses of several local still-undecided voters.

 

(94) **themistoklis** : What's next (follows "Jitters")

"Not for a second."

 

(95) **rehime** : Apps

Jessica's peers think it's suitably amazing that she's on _The Daily Show_ , but her twelve-year-old cousin doesn't believe she's made it until the day her face shows up in the iTunes store.

 

(96) **themistoklis** : Shipping

When Stephen stumbles angrily backstage after the live election special, he finds his phone blinking with a missed text from Olivia, sent around 11:28 and consisting only of the words "NOW KISS."

 

(97) **rehime** : Fate

Olivia is going to have to be a lot older than 32 before she comes to accept that "daring space pilot and interplanetary adventuress" is nowhere in her destiny.

 

(98) **themistoklis** : Coffee

Al doesn't speak a whole lot of Spanish sober, but when he's had a couple cups of espresso he tends to yell all the phrases he knows at high speed, which is unnerving for his fellow correspondents and reportedly _hilarious_ for anyone who's fluent.

 

(99) **rehime** : Ward

Sam isn't a real witch; she just does the odd protection spell once in a while -- and if that means she's effectively bound herself to the _Daily Show_ studio for the rest of her (un)natural life, well, so be it.

 

(100) **rehime** : Flight plan

Stephen keeps on donning his wings of wax and eagles' feathers and taking off straight for the sun, but he's learning to talk about it beforehand, so Jon can know where below him to anchor the boat.


End file.
